Thoughts on ownership

How many of you out there are owned?  Put your hands up… Yes, me too and it’s something that fills me with happiness – that I am owned by my Queen.  But, what is ownership?  Everyone’s ideas will vary of course.  These are mine and to quote my Queen: ‘Your mileage may vary’.

Firstly, slavery isn’t legal anywhere in the world these days.  The last country to make it illegal was Mauritania in 1981.  Yes it’s an unfortunate and reprehensible evil that there are many places in the world where slavery still exists, but it’s NOT legal.  So, my Queen can’t legally and materially own me – that’s probably a good thing if you end up with a Dominant who is abusive towards you as it’s possible to get up and go, but in my case that isn’t an issue.

Given that my Queen can’t legally own me, any form of ownership must then be spiritual – it has to be something in O/our minds.  The legal definition of an owner is The person recognized by the law as having the ultimate control over, and right to use, property as long as the law permits and no agreement or covenant limits his or her rights.’ Allowing for the fact that we’ve established that we can’t really be legally owned, the statement still generally holds true (at least for me).  In asking my Queen to accept my submission and entering into O/our TPE, I have acknowledged that my Queen has the ultimate control over me and what I do.  I have given spiritually Her the right to use me as she sees fit.  In O/our case there is no contract or agreement between U/us and my Queen has essentially, unfettered discretion as to what She does with and to me.

Spiritually, this is how I feel.  She could ask me to do anything and perhaps more importantly do anything to me and I would do or accept it.  Readers might now be saying ‘sure… so you’d commit murder for Her, or let Her chop an arm off, yeah, right…’  The thing is, I know my Queen would never ask me to do anything that I found morally reprehensible or that was illegal, and She would never do anything that She knew would cause me emotional or psychological harm.  It’s like arguing whether or not a fish should have a driving licence.  It’s a pointless argument – the fish won’t ever be able to drive a car.  It’s just physically impossible.

I firmly believe that my Queen owns me and so treat Her requirements and expectations of me seriously – I try to do the best I can to follow Her instructions and to treat my body in such a way that I don’t usurp Her prerogative in decision making.  For instance, my Queen has told me She wants me to lose a few kilos.  I have changed my eating habits to allow that to happen.  I wanted to stretch out a piercing to a larger gauge – I asked permission before doing so.  I would not get a tattoo or a radically different haircut without Her express permission.  Why?  Because She owns me.

My Queen has reservations about this view of Her ownership of me.  I have a tattoo that I’m very fond of.  My Queen feels that there is a limitation to Her ownership and cites this as an example – She says that She knows that it would be psychologically harmful to require me to have the tattoo removed, and believes that I would not obey a direction to remove it (via laser treatment of course).  So She feels that there is a limit to Her ownership – that it is not unequivocal and without limitation.

I respectfully disagree with Her on this point but do respect Her philosophical point.  I would have the tattoo removed if She required it.  It would cause me significant emotional distress and probable psychological harm.  I firmly believe that my Queen, although She could require me to have it removed, would never require me to do so, knowing that it would cause such harm.  She is not a monster and whilst She is sadistic in some respects, She is not cruel in Her ownership of me.  To view it another way, just because one owns a car and one can take to it with a sledgehammer, doesn’t mean one needs or wants to belt the crap out of the car just to prove that one owns it.

So, from my point of view, the limitations in my Queen’s ownership of me are actually self imposed and are formed from Her sense of right and wrong.  My submission and my willing acceptance to be totally spiritually owned by my Queen comes from both my love and my trust in Her.  How could I possibly let Her anywhere near me with the metaphorical sledgehammer if I didn’t trust her to care for me.

I think this is where true spiritual ownership comes from – total trust in one’s Owner that Their moral values and ethics will ensure that They don’t take the sledgehammer to you, just because they can.  It’s a very heavy responsibility and I’m so very grateful to my Queen the She’s has been willing to take possession of me – regardless of whether it’s unlimited or not.

Thank you my Queen.

All men are created equal…

My Queen and I are equals.  It’s part of the basis of O/our relationship. ‘But wait!’ I hear you cry, ‘Aren’t you part of a 24/7 total power exchange?  Aren’t you Her submissive?  Doesn’t she set your limits and tell you what you can and can’t do?  How can you possibly be equals?!’  No, I’m not hallucinating and I’m even reasonably sure that I’m not going to get disciplined for saying this.

In O/our dynamic O/our roles and positions of power are totally opposite.  My Queen has all the power to make decisions, control what I do, where I go, discipline me and so on.  There is no equality in O/our roles at all.  My Queen has all the power and authority and I have to do what She says.  But W/we are still equals.

W/we share the understanding and belief that each of U/us is of equal worth, that W/we’re both equally worthwhile as people.  My choice to submit to my Queen  is not based out of a belief that I’m less worthwhile as a person and Her Domination of me is not based on Her believing that She is a better person than I am.  O/our love and admiration for each other acknowledges that each of U/us is equally worth loving and equally important even if O/our lifestyle and O/our chosen dynamic is one where my Queen holds all the power.

It’s something I think is crucial as a submissive – knowing that I’m just as worthwhile as my Queen and it’s something that my Queen never fails to remind me of -especially when I need love or encouragement.

I’m a banana custard!

I find, having submitted to my Queen, that I have a tendency to place Her on a pedestal.  And why wouldn’t I want to put Her on a pedestal?  My Queen is a special, important person to me, and deserves that place.

But I think, that having placed Her on that pedestal, I sometimes start thinking of Her as an all wise, all knowing, superwoman.  Understandable enough of course given the power and authority She has over me, but even if it’s understandable, it’s thinking that is flawed and ultimately unfair. My Queen is a great person but She is, ultimately, a normal person and, no matter how much I might think otherwise, She isn’t perfect.

What this means is She has days where She’s down, feeling flat, worried or stressed and it’s important for me, in amongst my adoration and love to remember this, or I run the risk of either adding to Her stress or feeling upset or let down when She doesn’t interact with me the way I want or expect.

When my Queen is feeling flat or down or just not having a great day She warns me that She’s feeling ‘spiky’.  She’s letting me know that She might be irritable or grumpy and that maybe I should keep a bit of distance so I don’t get myself into strife (being something of a cheeky submissive at times).

It took me a little while to work out what to do – treating my Queen like a leper and avoiding contact with Her really wasn’t something I wanted to do and it certainly wouldn’t have helped my Queen to feel better.  One day, after being told that She was feeling spiky, I suddenly leaped at Her, cuddled Her and announced that I was custard, all gooey and able to drip past the spikes.  Able to get close and provide love and comfort.  By being all ‘custard-y’ I tell my Queen that it’s okay, that I know that She’s feeling a bit down, or irritated or stressed and that I love her anyway.  And that I’m willing to ‘ooze’ past the spikes to make sure She knows She’s loved.  She tells me that it helps too in that She knows that I’m now aware of how She feels and that She knows I’m less likely to be upset if She is grumpy or aloof, so She is able to deal with whatever is upsetting or stressing Her without needing to be a super woman and worrying about me.

My choice of being custard also adds a certain level of ridiculousness which I think helps cheer Her up as I deliberately snuffle in Her ear.  I chose banana as She’d never willingly eat banana custard, adding to the ridiculousness.  It’s hard to be grumpy or out of sorts when your submissive is madly hugging you, declaring he’s a custard (banana or otherwise) and deliberating blowing in your ear and on your neck to make you laugh.

I think it’s worth remembering that my Queen is human too and making the effort to be custard when She’s feeling down.  After all, think of the things She does for me…

 

Guided

I disappointed my Queen last night.  It wasn’t disobedience, or feeling grumpy or anything of that nature.  I’d written a post for here – I believed it was well written and thought out and I read it to my Queen fully expecting Her to tell me it was intelligent and entertaining and that I had the okay to publish it.  Instead She said ‘I can tell you right now, that post is never going to see the light of day.’  And then She told me why.

She told me I was puffed up with self-importance, that the tone was certainly not that of a submissive and worse, that the post was bitchy.  My Queen said She was very disappointed in me and that She expected better from me, that She wanted this blog to be a positive experience, not just for me but for other submissives reading it, not something that was mean spirited or bitchy.  She told me that I was better than this.  I was immediately upset with myself, because I had acted in a way which disappointed my Queen, and I was filled with a determination to work harder towards being the person She thought I could be.

O/our D/s dynamic is not just a way for U/us to get O/our rocks off, to do kinky things nor even to make my Queen’s life more comfortable by having me at Her beck and call.  It is about care and love and development of self – helping each other be all that W/we can.  My Queen expects me to be the best person I can be and when I fell short last night She wasted no time in telling me.  O/our dynamic enabled Her to quickly correct behavour that was beneath me and ensured that I listened and understood what the issue was.  And I didn’t argue as I might have, had I not been Her submissive.  Any arguments on my behalf would have been spurious and ego driven and my Queen, by being my Dominant, was able to cut right through that.

My Queen loves me, and wants the best for me and because I’m submissive to Her and obedient to Her instructions, She can help me achieve my potential by requiring that I do things I might otherwise be too lazy or lacking in motivation to do.  She can also, as in this case, tell me when I’m behaving in a manner that brings me down, make me stop.  With the right Dominant, submission can be a very powerful tool for self-improvement.

I’m cranky so nyer!

I love my Queen.  I love and value Her Domination greatly.  But there are times when for whatever reason I’m not happy about something She’s done, said to me or required that I do.  ‘Dear God!’ I hear you cry, ‘what a bad submissive!’

My answer to that is ‘I’m a submissive, not a robot.’  But I take my submission very seriously.  There is no room in O/our dynamic for me to be bratty or to act out because I’m annoyed.  Why?  Simply because that is not what my Queen wants.  She doesn’t want a bratty sub, She doesn’t want one who deliberately disobeys Her.  That strikes against the core of O/our dynamic’s foundation.

My Queen said to me recently that for me to actually act out and disobey Her would me that something had gone very seriously wrong with O/our dynamic, that something was badly broken.  I thought about it and realised that it was true – no matter how cranky, pissed off or irritated I am I just can’t bring myself to actually be rebellious or disobedient.

The closest I get is grumpy or sulky.

And then I think about it.  And I think about what my Queen said, or did, or got me to do.  And normally I realise that She has acted in a way which is totally in line and in keeping with O/our roles within O/our dynamic.  The grumpiness or sulkiness disappears as I remind myself that this is something W/we both want!  Not just my Queen, but me!  Fiercely and with my entire being and like that I’m centred again and a little bit sheepish that I was grumpy in the first place.

Of course, because I’m a thinking, feeling human there are times when I’ve thought about what happened and I still feel grumpy.  W/we are, as my Queen so eloquently put it, blessed with the fact that this rarely happens.  Those are the times I (hopefully) politely ask to talk about the matter and W/we discuss it.  I may or may not like the final result but, being honest, that’s something that occurs in the vanilla world as well.  What I don’t do, is dwell on it and let it sour O/our relationship and I certainly don’t cheapen what W/we have by being actively disobedient – why submit if it’s grudging or you’re going to be actively defiant?  What’s the point?

I’m certainly not a saint when it comes to such things, but I find that by doing what I’ve just described, I am generally happy and centred in my submission, and the periods where the grey clouds cast a shadow don’t last long and are few and far between.

There’s submission and then there’s… submission

I’m a kinky, masochistic, high sex drive submissive (probably not a complete surprise I know).  There are all sorts of stuff I want my Queen to do to and with me and She knows this.  Why then, can’t I ask or expect her to do some of these things to me?

For U/us the answer is simple and obvious.  I’m Her submissive and She’s my Dominant.  When W/we first discussed being in a 24/7 total power exchange with my Queen as my Dominant, W/we tried a dynamic which was based on both of U/us having O/our wants met D/s-wise, which seemed like a good way to do it.  It didn’t work.

When W/we tried again – because W/we both wanted this – my Queen told me that W/we would do things Her way or not at all.  There was no contract, there was no listing of Her responsibilities or rules for me.  I was told that there were unlikely to be any hard and fast rules, that depending on how She felt ,what was applicable one day might not be the next. She told me that from now on my wants would not be something that she worried herself over.  I would not have any input or say as to how anything D/s related happened (and given that W/we were talking about a 24/7 relationship that meant losing a large amount of personal autonomy and all say about home life).  W/we would not be equal partners in any way, shape or form.  My Queen only made one promise and that was that she would always look after me.  There was no negotiation or quibbling over finer details – it was a take it or leave it proposition and I had one simple choice.

It was the only choice I had and I suppose that one could say I make the choice every day, although it doesn’t feel like that to me.  The choice was either to submit totally and without reservation or not.  I chose submission and gave to my Queen myself, to do with as she wished.  This was really quite a scary thing – after all my Queen now had my consent to do whatever she wanted (or to not do) to me.  I understood my wants might be totally ignored and that they would certainly come second to my Queen’s.  I knew she would see to my needs, but there were no promises past that.

I think that for many (here comes the controversial bit), a 24/7 TPE probably doesn’t work spectacularly well where the Dominant and the submissive create a framework or ground rules for the dynamic between them.  I think that it is too easy for the submissive to start to expect the Dominant do this or that.  I think the Dominant becomes worried about what they can and can’t do.  Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that the Dominant can do whatever they want regardless of how the submissive feels – but hard limits which protect against psychological damage are something  that a loving Dominant would abide by regardless, because they have undertaken to care for the well being of the submissive and safe words are important to prevent or minimise accidental harm.  But a Dominant in a 24/7 TPE should not feel they can’t do this or that because their sub doesn’t want to.  A Dominant should be able to feel that they can do this or that despite their sub not wishing to and then be able to make a decision based on what the Dominant feels like doing. And if that is indulging their submissive then that’s fine.  But not doing something because the Dominant is worried that the submissive might not like it suggests to me, that the submissive hasn’t really submitted.

Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t anything wrong with not totally submitting, but I think that people who are trying for a 24/7 TPE without the total submission of one person are in for a hard time.  After all, that’s what the term ‘total power exchange’ means… giving one person all the power.

And to me, that is what O/our dynamic is… an exchange where W/we are no longer equal partners and where I have submitted wholeheartedly, where O/our dynamic is Her design, Her wants.  So, that is why, despite the deep love W/we share for each other, my wants are secondary to Hers.  Why I can’t expect Her to do anything more than see to my needs.  For U/us, this is what is needed to ensure that my submission is deep and honest, and my Queen’s Dominance is unfettered and strong.  It’s not always easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

What’s in a name?

We use labels everyday.  Everyone does.  Its a way for all of us to quickly and easily understand something based on our past experiences and acquired knowledge.  People involved in BDSM seem to be very fond of using labels.  Kinky, submissive, slave, D/s, D/s -M, S/M, DD/lg, DD, little, BDSM, SM, Femdom, TPE, FLR, FLM, the list goes on and on.  Why?  Well because it aids in rapid understanding of where someone is at, who they are, what they do and like.  It’s how most of us explain to each other how we fit into an alternative lifestyle.  Labels can be great – I can say ‘I’m a submissive in a FLM and W/we incorporate some S/M and DD’ and you may have a reasonable idea of how O/our dynamic flows.  Or you might be totally bewildered.  Or you might have just plonked U/us into a little box, satisfied that you know pretty much what you need to know.

It’s easy to trivialise what is behind the label – ‘I’ll have the D/s -M with a side order of DD and just a pinch of SM’.  Would you like fries with that?  Not today thanks, maybe tomorrow. Once something is labelled it’s often  assumed that we understand or know what it is – even though our understanding may be flawed.  My Queen once encountered a male dominant who, on speaking with Her immediately asked if She wore leather and corsets to play or Dominate me.  She was justifiably annoyed – as if She needs any of that…  But that was what this male dominant’s understanding of Femdom was.  It was uneducated and inaccurate but because he thought the label fit, he immediately put my Queen in that box.  I know people who have been derided for being littles because ‘that’s not really BDSM’.  It only shows how flawed people’s interpretation of a label can be, and how much they can hurt others by making assumptions that they  know what the ‘label’ means.

That’s because, while labels can be really good at giving a broad, sweeping understanding of something, when it comes to relationships, nothing is ever simple, or cut and dried.  They are not scientific.  Love, dominance, submission, all the other labels do not have a concrete objective definition, but rather subjective meanings which differ from person to person.

So, use labels by all means, but with care and while remembering that although labels can be helpful, they are no more than training wheels while we learn to ride the bike that is our understanding.